Divorcing, and then what? A mediator can help

The Backer family is large. Grandma Cathrien and Grandpa Dirk are in their late seventies and recently married. They and the (grand)children from their respective families occasionally need the help of a notary. You can read about their recognisable situations here.

Anyone going through a divorce already has enough on their mind. If you are still on speaking terms and want to work things out together, a mediator can guide the divorce process.

‘Well, my neighbours are getting divorced too,’ Karlijn said to her mother, disappointed. ‘The summer holiday was the deciding factor, and Amy – my neighbour – immediately engaged a mediator. I asked her whether they wouldn't be better off with a lawyer each, because they were at each other's throats after that holiday.’

‘And why a mediator, then?’ Cathrien asked.

‘They want to arrange things well for the children together. The heated holiday arguments faded somewhat into the background and now they are reasonably on speaking terms. Amy had expected that they could each tell their own story separately, but in a mediation process everything happens together.’

Basic conditions

The basic conditions for mediation are: confidentiality, voluntariness and commitment. The mediator must also be independent. That is why the parties always see each other together, so that the mediator is not influenced by either of them. It is also the reason why the first contact usually goes through an office assistant. An agreement is soon drawn up stating that you must have the will to work things out together.

Discussion leader

‘Are you glad in hindsight that you also had a mediator for the divorce?’ Cathrien asked.

‘Yes,’ said Karlijn. ‘But it is important that there is a click. And I had to get used to the fact that the mediator is in effect only a discussion leader and does not make decisions. With a lawyer you can focus entirely on your own arguments if you totally disagree. But we came out of it well, and with mutual respect. That is what we wanted for the children too. Now for my neighbours!’